I went running today with Headspace talking to me. It kept saying: Be in the moment. Don't think about your last run, don't compare, just be present. I try, I really do but eventually I'm just thinking: I can still run. I seem to have more stamina than before. But my hands still feel weird. Maybe I'm just cramped. But doesn't cramp feel painful. Why don't I feel painful. And if it isn't cramp then what is it?! And that's when I am certainly NOT in the moment.
Really I am never in the moment. Being present and at ease is really, really hard. I am also really impatient. If I do this than why does it not fix everything right away. I tried... so hello... fix.
At the moment I also have a course in hypochondria on my computer. It tries to help me see things different, less dramatic. I can do that. That is easy but you have to start believing those new thoughts, more than the old ones. But that is really, really hard too.
Basically life is not easy at the moment. It is just plain hard. So I try not to be so hard on myself. But if I could do that easily I don't think I would be in this situation.
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