Earthcam is something. To search through webcams stationed all over the world is quite fun. I love watching the sunrise in the US, my home. I lived there for about 4 years but it stuck in my heart and won't let go. While the country is far from a place I would want to live now (it's pretty chaotic and creepy there), I really feel homesick from time to time. I miss the stores, the roads, the nature and maybe just some of the mentality the people can have. You can be anything if you work for it (not true for everyone really, but the idea is nice). The Netherlands is made up of lazy. As a kid you are made to do what everyone else. Don't stand out. Don't think your better at anything. And if someone needs help, it's the kids at the bottom. It has changed a bit over the years but it still remains in the general public opinion. It's so different from what I learned in the US. There they told me everyone had a talent. I remember people praising me for things I was good at. Helping me find that which I was good at. How had my life turned out if we had never moved back? I might have been amazing. Now I'm drowning in fear. Fear of missing a life, fear of not doing what I should, fear of not helping my kids correctly, fear that my husband will leave because I have not found myself, fear of myself, my body and my thoughts, fear of being afraid.
It's that moment that I realized I became what I despised as a teenager that everything went terribly downhill.
I was going to have an amazing job, become rich and important. I was going to drive an awesome car, nothing old. Have a wonderful modern house. Not ever live in Friesland or go outside the Randstad. I would travel all over the world, not only by webcam. And now I am a stay at home mom... I work in my husbands company. I live in Friesland in an old house that we have no money to make decent. I drive my husbands car, which he inherited from his grandfather. I became that which I hated. Even the area sucks. I love trees and pretty much hate water... I love mountains so I live in the flattest part of the Netherlands looking over a sea of grass. Nothing to see but birds, and not even much of those.
My life consists of bad choices. How can I change that?
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